t minus 2 hours

This entry is dedicated to my sis, Susan (Anna I'll dedicate one to you too, promise!).

In a little under two hours it will be one month of no smoking. Which is insanely awesome. Insane and awesome. I have been wanting to smoke a lot recently... not even so much wanting to smoke as enjoying the smell of it as I walk by the ultra glamorous smokers... But when I walk past ashtrays I am put off of the nasty ass trash smell and go back to being grateful I don't smoke anymore or smell like that all the time. I've totally not written in this as I'd committed to, if I'd meant to for Lent I suppose I'd be flogging myself by now. Or just writing in this more... either way I think it'd be unfair to tell anyone I will write more since I've been so friggin busy and still feel like I'm getting used to the new schedule. This grown up life thing isn't worth messing with, ya heard.

When I was really little my Aunt Laurie told me that if you always parted your hair in the same place, you would go bald. I thought she literally meant my hair would fall out unless I never parted my hair. I am pretty sure I freaked out... wouldn't be uncharacteristic of me. I was later told this was untrue, and to the extent that I took it, yes it is untrue. All of your hair will not fall out at once due to parting you hair in the same place for a few weeks in a row. However... after parting my hair in the same place for basically the last three years, it has drastically thinned at the front of my part, and has turned into, I hate to say it, somewhat of a bald spot (YIKES!) I've been hesitant to part my hair on the other side... it's physically uncomfortable to change how my hair sits, and lord knows how I feel about change. But it's day two of parting my hair this way, and it really does look exponentially healthier. Wtf, why did I wait so long. I hope the other side grows back. Baldness and hair falling out is scary shit ya'll.

I went on a little women's spiritual retreat this weekend. It was supposed to be Friday to Sunday, but I left on Saturday because I felt uncomfortable and lonely in the unfamiliarity. I am really glad I went for the time that I did though. I heard some good stuff. I got honest with some people. I prayed. I listened to someone who is really struggling and shared my experience, strength, and hope with them. I listened to someone who has gotten through struggling and gained some experience, strength and hope from her. I ate some good food. I napped. And I left early. And you know... I am okay with that. I was just talking today to a friend about thinking for ourselves... I am so freaking impressionable. Rarely should I seek many different people's opinions on something I am struggling or grappling with. When I do that I just get some weird adoption/fusion of a million different opinions which couldn't be farther from how I honestly feel. What I usually need to do is pray and look inward to find out how I really feel. I know this is sappy as shit but I'm just realizing it so bare with me.

So... here are some things that I totally know, without a shadow of a doubt, completely untainted by anyone else's opinions: One, I absolutely adore my family and am grateful and blessed to have been born to them and with them, God did great and put me in the right place. Two, I am in love with my boyfriend, Nick, and believe through and through that he is the perfect boyfriend for me. Three: Japanther, Bob Dylan, Animal Collective, and the Magnetic Fields are completely amazing musicians/bands, and make me happy when I hear them in a way nothing else compares. Four, When I tell myself I am going to work out for an hour and then do it even if I get tired or don't want to, I feel really good about myself. Five, I like my coffee black. Six, I think cursing doesn't have to be trashy. Seven, I think Obama is the jam and that he is doing great things, he is someone I can believe in. Eight, I'm pretty sure that if Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter fucked they would produce a monster Satan himself would fear.

I guess most people who know me know those things. And honestly, the truths I've been realizing aren't listed, because perhaps they're not appropriate for me to write here. (GASP! A filter??) But, believe me. I've quit smoking for almost a month. I'm become financially self supporting. I'm not going to let myself go bald. And I am discovering truths about myself more and more each day... sometimes scary sometimes awesome but always enlightening and growth-worthy. Until next time, interweb, I bid the farewell. And I'm sure next time I'll have some even juicier truths to share with you. xoxo.