what day is it?

I think it's day twelve. I wouldn't know because I have been so busy enjoying the crap out of myself that I forgot to focus on the fact that I quit smoking (no, it's totally day twelve, I'm not that over it yet). I got really full at dinner tonight and didn't even want a piece of nicorette gum because it's a stimulant and I want to sleep good tonight. I was so tired today at work that I fell asleep sitting up more than once. If you are my boss that is an exaggeration.If you are not my boss, then yes I actually did doze off. Yay for transparency!

But seriously, it was a good day. I joined a gym. An all woman's gym where I am definitely not the tubbiest lady working out. That is a God-honest fear of mine, being the most out of shape person at a gym. Prepare for a tangent: when I was a kid, my mom was driving my sisters and me down the street (Armistead Road I believe?) and I saw an obese woman riding a bike. I laughed and made fun of her, rudely saying 'look at that fat lady riding a bike' to which my mom replied 'maybe she's trying to get healthier or lose some weight' at which point I began remorsefully sobbing and begging for forgiveness. So I say this with a grain of salt, the fact that I'm glad I'm not the fattest girl there. But I bet to someone I am that 'fat lady on the bike'. I promise this blog won't focus on my body issues.

I joined it because since I quit smoking I have about ten carloads of nervous energy stored up in each one of my many millions of cells. I bounce my feet a lot and am very sensitive to caffeine (except in the morning when I need it most, obviously) and moving around or 'working out' helps me release it. I learned this when I walked 2 miles with my sister the other day. It really did help. Imagine that! So I joined the woman's gym even though I think it's way too expensive. I measured it in prices of cartons of cigarettes though. It cost me two cartons to get in, and will cost me just under a carton a month starting in March. And I smoked at least three cartons a month, probably more. So I really am saving. I just won't be spending the savings on shoes as I'd hoped. Yes, I know my health and lifespan is priceless or whatever... but I really, really love shoes.

Tonight I had a REAL girl's night out with Suzanne, Rachel, Jillian, Shannon, and Jessica. It was a lot of fun. Usually when I hang out it large groups of beautiful women I feel insecure and less than (shoot, here come the body issues again) but tonight it couldn't have been further from that. I had some a nice time being surrounded by girls who are going what I'm going through. Not quitting smoking, but we're all just trying to grow up and learn how to be 'big girls' a day at a time. Some of us (not me) are farther along than others... it helps to have someone leading the way in front of me so they can light the way. That whole road to self sufficiency looks dark and scary and I'm pretty positive people get eaten if they travel it alone. But dinner was good. Not the food so much as the company. I'm wishing for this to become a regular Wednesday night thing... here's hoping.

Well I need to pass out so I won't be a zombie at work tomorrow. I am so grateful to be a NON-SMOKER today, to be a member of a gym, to be a good friend, a loving girlfriend, a useful sister, a grateful daughter... life really is grand. And to think it was just one week ago that I had one of my top five rages of all time. Wow. Thanks a lot nicotine.... not! Until tomorrow, goodnight interweb.