one month

This one will be dedicated to Anna. Or Anna Blu, as some confused family members say.

Today is one month of no smoking. Hooray for me! I ate three pieces of nicotine gum today. Or chewed them... whatevs. I was far more concerned with other things than smoking today. Like my amazingness. And Dr. Dread. Oh Dr. Dread....

But I seriously was pretty unconcerned with myself at moments today, the best of which was Chuck's party. A bunch of people showed up at the hospital cafeteria to surprise our friend, Chuck, on his birthday. He is 41 today, in the hospital, still very sick, with an amputated leg. He has helped so many people in the area, and is such a vibrant person. About fifty people showed up at the cafeteria, maybe more, and we hung out and took pictures and ate cake and hugged him and loved him... And he thanked each and every person for coming. What an awesome guy to have hope, joy, peace, and high spirits in the given circumstances.

Work was busy today... I did a bunch of work but was also very busy using my new speakers. Yay I now have sound on my work computer! This is great for many reasons, the main one of which is that I can stream my Pandora radio stations at work. I can also post what I'm listening to, loving, and discovering while I work, and I can party hardy dance time too! Even though I keep the dancing to a minimum... Got to! But perhaps most importantly, I can hear the sound effects that Amanda and I send to eachother via Windows Live Messenger at only the most appropriate moments throughout the day. LOL

I'm tired from a loooooong day (14 hours between leaving here this morning and coming home) ... good night interweb, and good night readers.

t minus 2 hours

This entry is dedicated to my sis, Susan (Anna I'll dedicate one to you too, promise!).

In a little under two hours it will be one month of no smoking. Which is insanely awesome. Insane and awesome. I have been wanting to smoke a lot recently... not even so much wanting to smoke as enjoying the smell of it as I walk by the ultra glamorous smokers... But when I walk past ashtrays I am put off of the nasty ass trash smell and go back to being grateful I don't smoke anymore or smell like that all the time. I've totally not written in this as I'd committed to, if I'd meant to for Lent I suppose I'd be flogging myself by now. Or just writing in this more... either way I think it'd be unfair to tell anyone I will write more since I've been so friggin busy and still feel like I'm getting used to the new schedule. This grown up life thing isn't worth messing with, ya heard.

When I was really little my Aunt Laurie told me that if you always parted your hair in the same place, you would go bald. I thought she literally meant my hair would fall out unless I never parted my hair. I am pretty sure I freaked out... wouldn't be uncharacteristic of me. I was later told this was untrue, and to the extent that I took it, yes it is untrue. All of your hair will not fall out at once due to parting you hair in the same place for a few weeks in a row. However... after parting my hair in the same place for basically the last three years, it has drastically thinned at the front of my part, and has turned into, I hate to say it, somewhat of a bald spot (YIKES!) I've been hesitant to part my hair on the other side... it's physically uncomfortable to change how my hair sits, and lord knows how I feel about change. But it's day two of parting my hair this way, and it really does look exponentially healthier. Wtf, why did I wait so long. I hope the other side grows back. Baldness and hair falling out is scary shit ya'll.

I went on a little women's spiritual retreat this weekend. It was supposed to be Friday to Sunday, but I left on Saturday because I felt uncomfortable and lonely in the unfamiliarity. I am really glad I went for the time that I did though. I heard some good stuff. I got honest with some people. I prayed. I listened to someone who is really struggling and shared my experience, strength, and hope with them. I listened to someone who has gotten through struggling and gained some experience, strength and hope from her. I ate some good food. I napped. And I left early. And you know... I am okay with that. I was just talking today to a friend about thinking for ourselves... I am so freaking impressionable. Rarely should I seek many different people's opinions on something I am struggling or grappling with. When I do that I just get some weird adoption/fusion of a million different opinions which couldn't be farther from how I honestly feel. What I usually need to do is pray and look inward to find out how I really feel. I know this is sappy as shit but I'm just realizing it so bare with me.

So... here are some things that I totally know, without a shadow of a doubt, completely untainted by anyone else's opinions: One, I absolutely adore my family and am grateful and blessed to have been born to them and with them, God did great and put me in the right place. Two, I am in love with my boyfriend, Nick, and believe through and through that he is the perfect boyfriend for me. Three: Japanther, Bob Dylan, Animal Collective, and the Magnetic Fields are completely amazing musicians/bands, and make me happy when I hear them in a way nothing else compares. Four, When I tell myself I am going to work out for an hour and then do it even if I get tired or don't want to, I feel really good about myself. Five, I like my coffee black. Six, I think cursing doesn't have to be trashy. Seven, I think Obama is the jam and that he is doing great things, he is someone I can believe in. Eight, I'm pretty sure that if Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter fucked they would produce a monster Satan himself would fear.

I guess most people who know me know those things. And honestly, the truths I've been realizing aren't listed, because perhaps they're not appropriate for me to write here. (GASP! A filter??) But, believe me. I've quit smoking for almost a month. I'm become financially self supporting. I'm not going to let myself go bald. And I am discovering truths about myself more and more each day... sometimes scary sometimes awesome but always enlightening and growth-worthy. Until next time, interweb, I bid the farewell. And I'm sure next time I'll have some even juicier truths to share with you. xoxo.

day 23

I've officially not smoked as many days as I've been alive. Whoopee! And I certainly haven't gone this long since I had my first cigarette. Which I still remember vividly. I was smoking pot with some people (Yes, I remember all of their names, but won't share them for anonymity purposes). One of the girls I was with told me that If I smoked a cigarette after I smoked weed I would get 33% higher... but even better, if I smoked two cigarettes I would get 50% higher. I don't know where she got those numbers, or where the person she got them from did. But it's total bullshit. Smoking cigarettes doesn't make you more stoned. At all. It certainly is not her fault that I started smoking. I liked cigarettes. A lot more than pot. Every time I smoked pot I thought it was poisoned and I was dying. Cigarettes just made me feel fucking sharp. Not like I was having an aneurysm. Alas, I am a smoker no more. I am a mother f-ing non-smoker!! YEAH!

I haven't been writing in this as much as I'd like. It's hard to balance working full time, working out, cleaning my apartment, errands, relationship, family, and friend time... and still make time to write something fresh in here. Plus, my absolutely amazing boyfriend has been here since Friday. Yesterday was our two year anniversary. We had an awesome lazy day... went and saw the new movie 'Crazy Heart' with Jeff Bridges and Maggie Gyllenhaal. It was SOO good! You have to go see it. I think one of the best parts was when the drunken washed up country crooner Bad (Jeff Bridges) was in the liquor store looking at what kind of booze he could afford. The shopkeeper comes up to talk to him and says something along the lines of 'I'm a huge fan, my name's Bill Wilson' ... I laughed out loud. Whoever wrote the screenplay really did their research. The booze seller being Bill Wilson and all. Chuckle chuckle.

I am really enjoying the Olympics. The figure skating pairs finals are tonight... I love them! So romantic. The winter games are so much better than the summer games though, for real. Summer games have powerwalking. Winter games have snowboarding. Plus, snow is just magical! I've watched figure skating, luge, speed skating, cross country skiing, snowboard cross... it's so fun! I want to see more figure skating and the ski jump. That will be awesome! I missed the individual ski jump, but the team ski jump will happen in a few days and I will catch that. Here is a link to the olympic schedule if you are concerned with any of this: 2010 Olympic Schedule. In there you'll also find results of medal events that have happened already... USA has already won 6 medals, but just one gold. Whatevs. I just like watching the Olympics. Sure I hope America wins a bunch (USA! USA! USA!) but I also like when the underdog wins, or the love story prevails, or the guy who got through cancer beats the odds... you know? Good stuff. Ok. I need to go to the gym so I can get back here to watch the pairs figure skating medal event! Go China love team!! Heehee. Thank God I don't live in the McCarthy era, because if they saw this I would certainly be arrested for treason. I'm not rooting for Communism, McCarthyists, I'm rooting for love!

hipsterism

My friend Jill and I are going to write and anonymous (to most) non-fiction novel which will be amazing. It will be like 'Dear Diary' meets the big book meets any Judy Blume book meets Vice magazine meets David Sedaris. All of those things meeting at one large and extremely inconvenient intersection. I'm excited though. More on that later.

I am exhausted. My skin and face hurt from antibiotics I've been taking for this infection on my face. It's getting better though. I am excited to see Nick tomorrow... Sunday is our two year anniversary. Holy smokes! I'm still marinating in that... it's really friggin cool. Goodnight, interweb. I promise one day I'll write in this before I get to the point of complete exhaustion (maybe)......

day seventeen

I have been a non-smoker for enough days in a row now that I don't know how many days it's been unless I count. What I mean is, I'm not running around saying "3 days" or "8 days" with a running number in my head at all seconds of the day ... it's been two and a half weeks... I LOVE that I'm not on the day count anymore. Go me. WTG MOLLY! I'm not being cocky, I am just absolutely fucking thrilled that I made a decision to quit and stuck with it. I think the factor that made me quit this time is that I wanted to do it for myself. Not for a friend, not for Nick, not for my parents, not for my bank account. But for me, my health, my happiness, my well-being. I guess I'm so stubborn and selfish that I'm always the bottom line. And by the way, Sarah Palin is a fucking retard. But I can say that because this is satire. She seriously makes me want to puke. I'm going to finish watching "Lost", which has certainly become the most bizarre thing I invest any time in, then I'm going to put away some clothes and go to sleep. But I might eat another peach somewhere in there because I am totally into peaches right now. The teaches of peaches, huh, what. Oh. Yeah. Bye interweb, like you wanted me calling me all the time...

walk it out

There's a rap song called 'Walk it Out' by Chingy I believe.. or someone equally as not Lil Wayne, who is the best. Anyway... Today I went to the gym after work and I was super anxiety ridden... for no reason other than that I've been grappling with panic disorder and generalized anxiety for seven years. I went and walked/elipticle-dddd for an hour and felt so much better. I literally walked that shit out. As I was power walking and staring outside (not at my feet) an old Hanson song came on my ipod shuffle playlist and it made me really happy.... "fly the wings of an eagle, glide along with the wind..." If you were once a die hard Hanson fan as I certainly was you know that song. And you know how amazing it is. Damn... I seriously used to sob myself to sleep at night knowing I'd never get to meet and marry Zac Hanson (as I stared out the window praying to God that he'd surprise me and make it happen the next day). I'm really glad that plan didn't pan out though, because I am so happy with my life today, and I don't think I could ask for a better boyfriend. My man Mr. Whitinger is all that and a bag of potato chips and the bees knees and the kitchen sink and everything! haha. No, seriously, he's a swell guy. Sweller (and more swolled) than Zac Hanson will ever be, no offense ZH. I don't even think Zac played the drums on most of the "Middle of Nowhere" album, it sounds like a drum machine on a lot of the songs. Regardless, he's the best drummer ever. Besides Ian from Japanther and Ryann Slauson. And whoever is reading this thinks is the greatest drummer on earth. Just walk that shit out, Zac Hanson is the jam. Until tomorrow, interweb, I bid thee farewell.

day fifteen

I didn't blog yesterday! Oh no! I'm sure no one was terribly let down (besides my spirit since I told myself I'd do this everyday)... It's okay because I wrote two entries in one day at some point last week. That's how I roll. If I vow to do something everyday I'll probably end up just doing it twice every other day. Am I just lazy or does everybody do that to some extent? (Just so you know interweb, I do this more for me than you. I'm glad you read this, store it, file it for however long or whatever... But thanks for being here it helps me alot). Okay enough sap, I gotta get to the good stuff.

I am SO happy that the Saints won the Super Bowl. They really deserve it, this game being the franchise's first ever Championship appearance and all... how awesome. I totally teared up watching Drew Brees holding his son on the field after they won. Oh my goodness. If you saw that you know how amazing it was. And by the way, that's why you cry, Tim Tebow. You cry because you brought your team to glory and can share the moment with your child. Not because you lost the SEC Championship since your mom didn't abort you. Did I mention that I absolutely can not stand Tim Tebow. He's the worst. And so is his mom. That was the worst commercial of the Super Bowl, even worse than the dumb GoDaddy.com ones.

I am, however, sad about one thing: that football season is over. Football is unquestionably the greatest sport ever. All other sports were probably invented to get me through the lag between seasons. At least it's only two months until the draft. That's kind of football-sy. Ballsy. Ha.

I need to go to sleep so that I can wake up and go to work and then go work out and then go grocery shopping and shower and eat and clean my apartment and talk to my boyfriend and all that and then do it all over again. My life is really busy but I am absolutely in love with it. Plus, the busy-ness helps me not smoke. Fifteen whole days. WOW. Until tomorrow, Ciao bella interweb. Ciao.

on the fourteenth day...

It's day fourteen. I haven't gone this long without a cigarette since I started smoking when I was fourteen. That is so unreal... Wow. Just... Wow. Tomorrow will be my two week anniversary of not smoking. I hate when people use anniversary to denote mile markers of weeks or months (even though I just did it) since 'anniversary' means annual, or recurring once a year... Not once a week or month or whatever. So it's not really my two week anniversary. It's two weeks. But it's TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!!!

I am so tired. I worked today, then worked out, came home and showered, ate dinner, went out to see some girlfriends, now home... All I want to do is stay up late and watch TV but I can barely make myself type something out I'm so exhausted. But I did make myself stay awake through Fringe, which I'm so happy about, because that show is the jam! Alternate universes and realities are neat-o stuff. Plus, it's rare to see a sexual tension as grand and long-running as Peter and Olivia. Smokin'! not me.

God I'm so spastic today, even on this. Earlier I was craving a cigarette but I ate nicotine gum instead. I had it in my  mouth and was pushing it down into my gums to 'get' it faster! Who does that besides an addict...especially a nicotine addict. Anyway, the gum rush just made me really hyper and I have been so since. Even though I'm exhausted... I still have the giddy bug. I posted something on facebook about how I wanted to smoke and asked for suggestions. My favorite was from my friend Roland. He wrote "soak yourself in gasoline-that way you know not to light up or you'll explode." HA! Well, I didn't smoke. But not because I soaked myself in gasoline. It's because I prayed and let it pass. I know that's not very exciting. I didn't think so at least. I always want a secret trick that makes things happen immediately without having to do any of the work. Oh well... prayer is a decent secret trick I suppose. Anyhow, goodnight interweb. love you!!!

wow, ow, holy cow

I am already feeling sore around my shoulders. My arms are heavy like bricks... Ughhh! I went to the gym today. Let me just say that I am proud of myself for a) signing up for a gym and b) going back. That's impressive for me. And now I am completely exhausted. So this post will be short.. which I know you're all completely devastated by.

 It was a grand day... 9 hour work day, gym, home for dinner, shower, then I cleaned my apartment up, now I sit in bed and type this... And I'm so excited to go to sleep. I KNOW I'll sleep good tonight. I can feel it in my bones. And my triceps and biceps... I'm really out of shape. When I was working out part of me was saying to myself "you are so out of shape you lazy pig!" but then this loving, gentle part of me said "you're doing pretty good kiddo"... I chose to listen to that side. The nice one. I'm self-conscious that this isn't clever or interesting but whatevs... I'd love to keep my commitment to myself to write in this everyday.... every night preferably. A wrap up of the day, if you will. And this day was a success for many reasons, one of the main ones being: I didn't smoke. Oh yeah, interweb, it's true <3

(untitled)

The other night I had a dream that my friend Jill and I got super wasted in my old bedroom at my parents house. This dream was completely bizarre for a few reasons. One: neither of us drink. We both used to, but don't anymore. Two: that bedroom has been a zillion other peoples' rooms since then. Well. Really just my sister's room and a guest room. But it's had a few layouts. In my dream it was the old school layout, but I was just home visiting. I don't know if that makes sense. On... Three: Jill was curled up sleeping on a shelf in my closet, and when I came to find her she was hanging out of it telling me how we had to get wasted all day long. She was already hammered. My question was, if you get really drunk and need to pass out, why would you crawl up onto a shelf in a closet? I would just pass out on the floor. Or in the yard. Or in a parking garage with my pants down. Hence why I don't drink anymore.

The no smoking is going good today... because I haven't smoked. Only one piece of nicotine gum so far. I'll have another one here in a minute because I just ate lunch. But it makes my mouth feel weird... really hot. Like I've been rubbing sand paper around my throat. That only happens if I chew it mindlessly though. You're supposed to 'park' it. I hate parking lots. And I hate parking gum. But I do like nicotine gum. Seriously, parking lots could possibly be the root of all that is wrong with the world.

I am going to go work out today. I brought a cute little workout jazz-ma-tazz outfit with me to work which includes leggings and a Bob Dylan tour tee shirt. But I wore the most ridiculous bright pink underwear with Christmas sayings all over them (don't judge me, they're comfortable, and they are from the most recent Christmas so...) They are going to show right through those leggings. Oh well. I guess that's why I joined an all girls gym, since I will inevitably do this kind of crap all the time. Good lookin' out Molly!

Until next time (later tonight?) Ciao bella interweb!

what day is it?

I think it's day twelve. I wouldn't know because I have been so busy enjoying the crap out of myself that I forgot to focus on the fact that I quit smoking (no, it's totally day twelve, I'm not that over it yet). I got really full at dinner tonight and didn't even want a piece of nicorette gum because it's a stimulant and I want to sleep good tonight. I was so tired today at work that I fell asleep sitting up more than once. If you are my boss that is an exaggeration.If you are not my boss, then yes I actually did doze off. Yay for transparency!

But seriously, it was a good day. I joined a gym. An all woman's gym where I am definitely not the tubbiest lady working out. That is a God-honest fear of mine, being the most out of shape person at a gym. Prepare for a tangent: when I was a kid, my mom was driving my sisters and me down the street (Armistead Road I believe?) and I saw an obese woman riding a bike. I laughed and made fun of her, rudely saying 'look at that fat lady riding a bike' to which my mom replied 'maybe she's trying to get healthier or lose some weight' at which point I began remorsefully sobbing and begging for forgiveness. So I say this with a grain of salt, the fact that I'm glad I'm not the fattest girl there. But I bet to someone I am that 'fat lady on the bike'. I promise this blog won't focus on my body issues.

I joined it because since I quit smoking I have about ten carloads of nervous energy stored up in each one of my many millions of cells. I bounce my feet a lot and am very sensitive to caffeine (except in the morning when I need it most, obviously) and moving around or 'working out' helps me release it. I learned this when I walked 2 miles with my sister the other day. It really did help. Imagine that! So I joined the woman's gym even though I think it's way too expensive. I measured it in prices of cartons of cigarettes though. It cost me two cartons to get in, and will cost me just under a carton a month starting in March. And I smoked at least three cartons a month, probably more. So I really am saving. I just won't be spending the savings on shoes as I'd hoped. Yes, I know my health and lifespan is priceless or whatever... but I really, really love shoes.

Tonight I had a REAL girl's night out with Suzanne, Rachel, Jillian, Shannon, and Jessica. It was a lot of fun. Usually when I hang out it large groups of beautiful women I feel insecure and less than (shoot, here come the body issues again) but tonight it couldn't have been further from that. I had some a nice time being surrounded by girls who are going what I'm going through. Not quitting smoking, but we're all just trying to grow up and learn how to be 'big girls' a day at a time. Some of us (not me) are farther along than others... it helps to have someone leading the way in front of me so they can light the way. That whole road to self sufficiency looks dark and scary and I'm pretty positive people get eaten if they travel it alone. But dinner was good. Not the food so much as the company. I'm wishing for this to become a regular Wednesday night thing... here's hoping.

Well I need to pass out so I won't be a zombie at work tomorrow. I am so grateful to be a NON-SMOKER today, to be a member of a gym, to be a good friend, a loving girlfriend, a useful sister, a grateful daughter... life really is grand. And to think it was just one week ago that I had one of my top five rages of all time. Wow. Thanks a lot nicotine.... not! Until tomorrow, goodnight interweb.

day eleven

So I made it through day eleven. Hooray! I even met my friend Jill for coffee and she smoked and I didn't. I am not gonna lie though, it smelled good. But I still don't want to smoke. It would only mean I have to try and quit some time again in the future. It's like, why would I want to detox off of drugs more than once. Staying quit is easier than quitting. I imagine the same is true for cigarettes. Although, it is kind of funny how I think that since I quit smoking everyone else should stop smoking, or at least not smoke around me. Or at least be completely happy about the fact that I don't smoke. That whole "I'm the center of gravity and the world rotates around me" thing... I am trying to get away from it though I promise.  Most of the time at least.

Today I gave myself a night off. After work and coffee with Jill I came home and have been vegging out, playing computer games, and watching TV ever since. I haven't had one of those days in a while. It always goes work then home then shower then eat then meeting then home then sleep then wake up then work then home then shower then meeting and so it goes (I just finished Slaughterhouse Five). So it goes. That was a good book. Totally weird. Funny how I am surrounded by fictional concepts of time travel right now. (The Lost Final Season Premier is tonight!!) Is there actually a non-fiction concept of time travel? Probably not. At least not in this dimension. So it goes.

I think I've had five pieces of Nicorette gum today. They suggest you chew at least 9 pieces a day for the first 6 weeks but that's a little much for me. I don't think I've done more than 6 a day yet. It makes me hiccup and gives me heartburn but that's two hundred times better than coughing up nasty crap all day every day. And my clothes smell good. AND. AND... AND! My natural gas tank was leaking last night. Since my sense of smell has mostly returned I could smell it. Had I still been a smoker I would have undoubtedly been smoking inside because it was cold and rainy outside last night. And I'm lazy and liked to smoke in my apartment while I anyway. Which means I might have blown the f up! God sure has a way of doing for me what I can't do for myself. I am glad I am not a crispy cookie right now. I have a lot to do this week! Tomorrow I am visiting a gym to possibly become a member, if they aren't too pushy. Then dinner with the girls. And this weekend I'll see Nick and then the musical Wicked.  No charred people allowed there.

Anyway. That's all for now. Until tomorrow- day twelve, I bid you farewell, interweb.

day ten

So. I'm on day ten of not smoking. According to Quitnet.com I've saved a day and a half of my life as well as $60... which I guess is worth it. What I really <3 about not smoking is 1. not coughing up nasty crap all the time, 2. all my clothes dont smell like stale smoke, and 3. my car stays super clean when I detail it.

There are some cons of not smoking though... or really just the one: complete emotional instability. It's getting better, but still... I never know when I'm going to change my mood. I feel like I'm in the grips of some manic episode sometimes, but then just remind myself 'its the whole not smoking thing'... Having to constantly disregard any feeling that has a twinge of negativity for the past ten days has been frustrating. I feel invalid sometimes, and it makes me want to punch somebody.

But it is getting better. Last night my sister, her boyfriend, a friend and I watched the Pro-Bowl all smooshed up on the couch together as we commented on eachother's facebook statuses and giggled at the dainty way the pros were playing. They didnt even tackle. Or blitz. Or seemingly even try sometimes. But it was fun, and we laughed a lot, and made horribly immature poop jokes, and I laughed like I haven't in ten days. And I really like to laugh so I appreciated it.

I got an email about free nicotine gum but then put the wrong email in when I signed up so it cancelled out my free offer. boo. boo to that! My email got hacked a few weeks ago, so while I still check the old one I use a new one. Oh well. I'll stick to my generic mint coated nicotine gum, I don't need the fancy white ice mint, although my friend Suzanne swears by it.

Work keeps me busy. And friends. And dancing. I've decided to blog about the whole quitting smoking process, and hopefully it will help me (and maybe someone else??) ... But I make resolutions to blog constantly and then miss a few months. "This time it will be different" is a phrase I too often use... So while I'll think it I won't promise anything. Because I really don't need another thing to beat myself up about.

I'm off to grab a coffee and meet up with some ladies. Ciao for now, interweb.